Robyn Spurr

Personal Health and Weight Loss Coaching For Women

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Family Survival Tips

I was on a coaching call with a client this morning and our conversation sparked this post.

It’s easy to get out of control when eating in social situations. Eating at a party, holiday gathering or with family members can trigger strong emotional feelings. Especially when family members are involved.

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There’s Aunt Kate showing up 2 hours after dinner begins. Cousin Joe and his 3 rambunctious kids who are on a mission to trash the house. And Grandma Helen criticizing everything from your shoes to the way you’ve raised your children.

Family – God love ’em.

Note: I do not have an Aunt Kate, Cousin Joe or Grandma Helen. But I have family – so I get it.

It’s so easy to justify that third (or fourth) glass of wine or to start stuffing down cookies like no one’s business.

Fortunately, no matter what the circumstance is, you can still have a good time.

It all comes down to our thinking. Consider all the thoughts that tend to bounce around during these types of situations. For example:

  • That is SO rude
  • I can’t believe he lets his kids behave that way
  • Grandma is always criticizing me

This type of thinking often leads to feeling frustrated or sad or angry. The result is often over-indulging and NOT having a good time.

We can allow other people to steal our joy – or not. I’m here to tell you that you DO NOT have to let this happen. I suspect that Aunt Kate, Cousin Joe and Grandma Helen are going to act exactly the same way this year – but YOU can choose to think differently and create a new result. YOU can choose to have fun and enjoy the holiday season.

But Robyn, you don’t understand.

Of course I do.

When you catch yourself thinking all those naughty little joy stealing thoughts, stop, take a breath and simply tell yourself – I’m not going to let you steal my joy.

Imagine a mini Grinch hanging out in your brain. You can feed his grinchiness or feed his heart. It’s that simple.

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When Aunt Kate arrives at 8:30 instead of 6:30 – simply think to yourself, I’m not going to let you steal my joy.

When Grandma Helen pulls you aside to mention how unflattering that color is on you – say it again, I’m not going to let you steal my joy.

When Cousin Joe’s 3 year old breaks an ornament – you guessed it, I’m not going to let you steal my joy. Well in this particular case, I might choose the thought – I’m SO glad I only have to see you once a year.

Don’t expect it to be different this year. Because you’ll only be disappointed.

Change your mind instead and create the result you want. A fun and memorable holiday with your family and friends. It’s up to you.

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But I Deserve It!

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Most of my clients come to me with a whole plethora of sabotaging thoughts around food and weight loss. They’re our convenient excuses – the words we say to give ourselves permission to overeat or indulge when we’re not hungry.

And to be downright honest, these thoughts are one of the top reasons we become overweight and stay there.

Here are a few examples…

  • It’s okay to eat this because…I’ve worked so hard today; I’m stressed; It’s just a little taste; I’m sick; I’ve been so good this week; I already blew it; I’ll make up for it tomorrow, I deserve it; etc.
  • I just don’t want to deal with it today.
  • The cookies will make me feel so much better.

And so on.

The first step is to identify your most common sabotaging thoughts. Pay attention as you reach for the cookies, pull into the McDonald’s drive thru or press B4 on the vending machine. What exactly are you thinking right before taking action? Pinpoint your recurring saboteurs.

Next, create a new response to use when in the same situation. Here are a few ideas using the samples above…

Sabotaging Thought: It’s okay to eat this because it’s just a little taste.

New Response: So what if it’s just a little taste. Every time I eat when I’m not hungry, I’m exercising my “give in” muscle and make it more likely that I’ll do it again the next time. The amount of calories doesn’t matter, it’s about not reinforcing the old habits.

Sabotaging Thought: I just don’t want to deal with it today.

New Response: I can “deal with it” now or later when my clothes don’t fit and the scale has gone up. Either way, I have to deal with it.

Sabotaging Thought: The cookies will make me feel so much better.

New Response: The cookies won’t make me feel better. I’ll just feel guilty and stuffed after eating them. Not giving in is what will make me feel proud and great about myself.

After finding your top sabotaging thoughts and creating your new responses, write the new responses down (post it notes, index cards) and rehearse them over and over.

Like a phone number or name you hear once and forget immediately, your new responses need to be repeated over and over for weeks and months. It’s the only way to make ’em stick.

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Do You Really Need to Love Yourself First?

Since I won’t be released by my surgeon to run or lunge or box jump until mid-February, my normal Saturday morning trip to the gym was clearly out of the question today.

In lieu of profuse sweating, I made myself a delicious mug of blueberry tea, watched the spectacular Colorado sunrise and logged into my Google Reader.

I stumbled upon a thought provoking Psychology Today article on self-love that inspired this post (the article is included at the end).

The concept of self-love shows up all the time in my line of work. There is a school of thought that subscribes to the following notion:

We need to learn to love ourselves first, before other people will love us.

I disagree.

Years ago, I whole-heartedly bought into the “love yourself first” philosophy.

But when I look at my own life – it was other people believing in me, loving me and noticing the good in me that lifted me up.

It was choosing to focus on the best in others – instead of their flaws – that allowed me to shine a light on my own positive qualities.

It was helping others and giving back that made me feel great about myself.

My self-esteem and self-worth blossomed – and as a result, my confidence grew. I began to believe in – and yes, love myself more.

You may not agree with me and that’s okay. Heck, if we all agreed on everything, this world would be painfully boring and dull.

But I’m a science girl. I like to see the evidence behind the claim – and in my own experience the evidence does not support the claim that we need to love ourselves before others will love us or that increasing our own self-love is an inside job.

So let yourself be loved and admired – soak it in – even if you think you’re not worthy.

Because in all honestly, you ARE worthy of love and admiration. No matter who you are or what mistakes you’ve made. You are human and you exist – that’s the only prerequisite for love.

As Ne-Yo so beautifully states in his hit pop ballad:

Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself.

I knew there was a reason I loved that song.

This post was inspired by the following article featured in Psychology Today and written by Mark White, Ph.D.:

In her recent blog post, Ilana Donna Arazie repeated the following folk wisdom:

No one is ever going to love you more than you love yourself. In other words, until you’re 100 percent into YOU, no one else will be. Do whatever it takes to increase your self confidence and love who you are (curly, frizzy hair and all). […] I mean, think about it. If you’re not connected to who you really are, how the heck are you going to connect with someone else?

I have to admit, I’m very skeptical of many common feel-good aphorisms, and this one is at the top of my list.

Before we start, I want to make clear that this post is in now way a criticism of Ms. Arazie, who regularly offers a unique and fascinating perspective in her blog. But her post gave me a great opportunity to discuss some problems I have with the idea that you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else, which also builds on my own recent post on feelings of inadequacy and relationships.

Not long ago I told a friend (channeling Groucho Marx by way of Yogi Berra), “I wouldn’t like myself very much if I liked myself.” My own personal philosophy is very focused on humility, so I would be disappointed in myself if I were to feel confidence, pride, or self-satisfaction. So liking myself is out—not gonna happen. But I think I’m perfectly capable of loving other people, in many various ways (as family, friends, and lovers), and I’ve never understood what one had to do with the other.

I can certainly understand why not liking yourself very much would make you less attractive. I don’t think many people want to be with a self-absorbed narcissist (with the obvious exception of groupies who chase after celebrities and politicians!), but neither do they want to be with someone who’s constantly beating himself up and regards himself as worthless. (See the comments to my earlier post to hear from people in such relationships.) But this doesn’t speak to such a person’s ability to love others—if someone is willing to deal with such a person’s unique mindset, they may find such him very giving, in part to compensate for his own perceived faults.

Part of liking yourself would seem to involve recognizing your own good qualities. But failing to recognize one’s own good qualities would not necessarily prevent a person from recognizing them in others. And in fact, loving someone else—and being loved in return—may help such a person realize his good qualities as reflected in the other person. (As I said in the earlier post, it’s hard not to admire yourself when someone you admire does.) So instead of self-love being a prerequisite for loving another, it may be a result: greater self-love through other-love. (This also serves as a response to those who say that knowing how to love yourself teaches you how to love others—it may very well work better the other way around.)

Another part of self-love is taking care of yourself, so some may argue that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others (in a loving way). But I don’t think this follows either: having little concern for oneself stems from feelings of low self-worth, which doesn’t imply that such a person cannot take care of others whom he values more. One can even imagine such a person may need to take care of someone else to feel worth, which again implies that for some, loving others may help love themselves (not vice versa).

Please understand, I am not arguing against self-love (even though I have chosen not to practice it myself). But I do believe that loving yourself is very different—essentially, practically, and ethically—from loving others, and that neither is necessary for the other (though they can support each other to some extent, especially the other way around as described above). For most people, the ideal situation is to have both, but I can’t see any reason that you have to love yourself before you can love others (or why loving yourself helps you love others).

 

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Crutches and Comfort Food

Sorry I’ve been absent for a few weeks. Between Thanksgiving and my foot surgery on the 26th (hoping this is the last one), I’m just now getting back into the groove.

This is me post-op giving a thumbs up. Yep, I actually let the hubby take a pic (clearly I’m not vain):

And on my handy dandy scooter earlier today:

My surgeon, the fabulous Dr. Ng, gave me some great news yesterday. Looks like I’ll be walking in a boot around Christmas (could you ask for a better present) and back to full activity 6 or so weeks beyond that (fingers crossed).

Is it February yet?

In the meantime, I’ve been resting up and getting SPOILED by my friends over at Orange Theory Fitness of Highlands Ranch. The oh so amazing and generous and FUN assistant manager Brandy organized a dinner drop off every night since my surgery.

It’s been 9 days and the meals are still coming. Can you believe that? I am a lucky, lucky girl and am grateful beyond words.

Have I mentioned how much I love my Orange Theory family? That’s Brandy and her hubby Stephen in the pic below, he’s the manager.

I’ve explained the crutches part of the title of this post (though I admit the scooter is WAY more fun than the crutches). But what’s up with the comfort food?

Well, I’ve been craving all kinds of tasty comfort food – and well, comfort food can be a little REALLY unhealthy. Since my front door dinner drop off service will be ending soon, I’ve decided to do a little research and find some super tasty comfort food recipes that have been given a healthy twist.

“Skinny” Fried Rice (making this tomorrow)

“Healthy” Fried Chicken 

Baked Mac & Cheese

Baked Eggplant Parm (perhaps my favorite meal on the planet)

Wow Robyn, how are you going to eat all of this delicious food while remaining sedentary for 10-12 weeks and not gain weight? Portion size and exercise!

Truth be told, scooting around on one foot, one legged squats onto to toilet (TMI?) and cooking and cleaning while on a scooter is a LOT of work. And just because I’m non-weight bearing doesn’t mean I can’t workout. I can easily manage kneeling pushups, crunches, triceps extensions, bicep curls, overhead presses, kneeling glute raises, straight leg raises and one arm rows.

No excuses. Period.

Now get your butt to the gym.

XO