Self Acceptance

While waiting for my nails to dry at the salon today, a little girl, maybe 4 or 5 and her Mom walked in. Mom was scheduled for a manicure and the little girl was having her toenails painted.

Mom asked her to pick out a color and the little girl chose a bright taxicab yellow. Mom said no, choose another one and suggested pink. The little girl picked up another yellow polish and asked, this one? Mom said no again and suggested yet another pink polish. I’m not sure what the outcome was. My nails were dry and I decide to leave.

My heart broke for that little girl. Her desire for yellow nails got me thinking.

So many women (and men) worry constantly about being judged. We conform in order to fit in. We do things we don’t want to do. We dress in clothes deemed acceptable and appropriate by others. We often choose a life of lies over an authentic one.

I admire Lady Gaga for this exact reason. If you haven’t seen her recent interview with Oprah, you should. Lady Gaga is one remarkable chick and so is her mother Cynthia.

I’ve done quite a bit of self coaching around this topic. Some folks consider me unconventional.

I moved across the country, married outside of my faith and have no children. I’ve voluntarily changed careers over and over, until finding one that filled my heart and soul with joy. I’ve sported nearly every hair color, including blonde with purple highlights just a few months back.

My best friend Cindy is nearly 60 years old (I’m 37). My other dear friend is a 70 year old ex-Wall Street trader who currently resides in Taos, New Mexico (the place I intend to call home one day). Terry, or Doc as he is affectionately known to most, is living life by his own damn rules. And having a blast!

And this is my crazy, bright dining room.

Choosing to live an authentic life has brought me so much happiness. I admit that I still struggle from time to time. It’s so much easier to conform.

Fear, conformity, immorality: these are heavy burdens. They drain us of creative energy. And when we are drained of creative energy, we do not create. We procreate, but we do not create. ~David McCallum

I love Chris Guillebeau’s blog, The Art of Non-Conformity.

This is Chris’s philosophy, which I’ve come to adopt as my own:

1. You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.

2. You can do good things for yourself and help other people at the same time.

3. If you don’t decide for yourself what you want to get out of life, someone else will probably end up deciding for you.

4. There is usually more than one way to accomplish something.

Take a moment and ask yourself the following. Are you being true to yourself? And if not, ask  yourself why that is?

Putting a voice to your soul helps you let go of the negative energy of fear and regret. ~Shannon Alder

***

When I was a little girl, I was shy. Not your typical, run of the mill shy. I’m talking shy with a capital S-H-Y! The mere possibility of having to speak to a stranger sent me into a state of panic.

There was this little Italian Delicatessen called Natoli’s a few blocks from my house in Secaucus. It was one of hundreds, maybe thousands, that dot the streets of Northern New Jersey.

My Dad and I would occasionally walk to Natoli’s to pick up our weekly Friday night pizza pie. The owner of Natoli’s was a big jovial guy named Steve – and Steve scared the shit out of me!

Wait, what? How does jovial equal scary?

Steve would always give kids free candy. And that meant saying thank you. I didn’t want to say thank you. No way!

Let me explain…

I wasn’t being purposefully rude. I most certainly recognized the kind gesture. It’s just that speaking words, out-loud, to someone I didn’t know, was downright terrifying for me.

So instead of going into a store where I was guaranteed a free sugar rush, I would wait on the steps outside. Just to avoid speaking.

As I got older, my social awkwardness prompted lots of folks to label me as a bitch. I wasn’t a bitch. I was just an introverted and shy girl with low self esteem and tons of anxiety.

A few years back, I noticed that I would think nice thoughts about people, but never say them out loud.

• “I love her hair”
• “That scarf is fabulous”
• “Her eyes are stunning”

I’d really want to say something – anything, but couldn’t muster up the courage to get the words out. Maybe some of you can relate.

One day, while at the library, a woman stopped me and told me that I looked radiant. Yes, she actually used the word radiant. I was shocked, in a good way of course – and it felt AMAZING!

A compliment from a complete stranger is powerful. Much more powerful than one from Uncle Joe or your best friend. It takes you by surprise. That moment changed me.

Since that day in the library, I’ve given hundreds of compliments – always authentic. They’re simply the words in my head, spoken out loud. That shy little girl is a distant memory. She’s blossomed into a confident women thanks to the support of friends, family and a handful of amazing therapists and coaches. Thank God for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

So, next time you think a nice thought about a stranger, tell them. Watch their face light up and notice how sparkly and amazing you feel.

Truth is, it’s even better to give than to receive. And not all strangers are scary. Okay some, but not all.

So go and use your words Chickadees. Spread the love. Be a force of good on this planet. Because we can always use more love and kindness.

And that bitch you know – maybe you don’t know the whole story.

Once upon a time, I convinced myself that I needed to weigh 125 pounds without a single trace of cellulite on my ass, BEFORE I could launch my personal training business.

What a crock of shit!

If you want success and happiness in this life, the actions you take must be fueled by feelings of excitement and curiosity.

If I still believed that original thought, the one fueled by insecurity, I surely would have given up by now. That kind of destructive thinking, the type that causes you to feel BAD, it’s pure poison my Chickadees, and it only leads to BAD results. Every single time!

 Give this a try. Next time a negative thought pops up, and it will, choose a new and better feeling thought. Check it out:

• Negative Thought: “Would you look at those stomach rolls”
• Feeling: Shame, Disgust…
• New Thought: “This is my only body and I choose to accept it as it is right now”
• Feeling: Acceptance, Peace…

Below are some other replacement thoughts. Try them on for size. If they don’t fit, go ahead and create your own.

• “I don’t need to weigh (xyz) to be happy, I can choose happiness right now”
• “Without this body, I couldn’t hug or laugh or sing”
• “I am perfectly imperfect and that’s okay” My personal favorite!

You make it seem so simple Robyn.

It IS simple, but it’s NOT always easy. Those negative thoughts, the ones you’ve been playing over and over in your head for years and decades, they’ve worn some pretty deep grooves. Like super-highways in your brain. New thinking can feel like you’re moving boulders and trees, just to make way for a hiking trail.

But over time, that hiking trail becomes worn and easier to navigate. After years of practicing your new, better feeling thought, it too will become a super-highway. And the destination will be a much happier place.

Wondering about that old highway? You won’t use it anymore. It’s too full of potholes and weeds now.

Remember, your thought must hold true for you and make YOU feel good when you think it. Go ahead, give it a try. Perhaps one day, (maybe today) you’ll decide to stop beating yourself up and become a member of the Perfectly Imperfect Club. Life is good here.