“You’re the most positive person I know.”
These words were spoken to me not once, but three times in the past few weeks.
I wasn’t always a positive person. I was immersed in a world of worry and negativity for most of my life.
My acceptance into the “gifted” Kindergarten class crippled me with fear. I didn’t think I would be able to keep up with the other kids. Yes, Kindergarten. Ask my Mom. Some major self-esteem issues at 5.
I refused to go to school for a week in 4th grade because I failed my first test. A history exam.
My sister Lynda’s math homework sent me into a state of panic. I was sure I’d never be able to master the same concepts when I was her age (she’s 9 years older me).
I drove my Dad crazy in the car – asking if we had enough gas and if he knew EXACTLY where he was going. On one trip up to the Catskills in New York, my family pretended the map flew out the window and laughed while I had a meltdown.
Clearly, they didn’t recognize the severity of my anxiety. I was just a quirky and “nervous” kid.
I worried. I cried. I complained. I agonized. I denied. I stuffed it down. I ate. I drank. I was obese.
And I was miserable.
I tried desperately to check out and disassociate from the noise in my brain.
After a bout of debilitating panic attacks, I finally saw a therapist. He prescribed meds. I was filled with horror and shame because I couldn’t handle it myself. I was always the “strong” one and I had failed.
I developed a rare side effect from the drugs – lymphocytic colitis. I chose to stop the meds, dive into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and deal with the withdrawal symptoms. Brain zaps anyone?
I discovered a new form of treatment. To fully embrace all that I am. To manage my emotions with my mind not food. To dance with the anxiety when it shows up. To acknowledge it, talk to it, feel it and learn from it.
Running and hiding and using food to numb our emotions doesn’t help. It only makes things worse. When we push against a negative feeling, it pushes right back – with a vengeance.
So, yes – I am a positive person. But it’s only because I decided to accept all of me, not just the pretty parts. It’s because I recognize that worrying is a waste of my precious energy. It’s because I know that I’m not alone – that so many other people suffer from anxiety. And it’s because I was willing to say shut up to my ego (now everyone will KNOW you’re crazy) and get help.
This “disorder” that so many of us are ashamed of. In times where death from starvation was always a threat, where animal attacks could happen at any moment and where strangers could kill you or your young, anxiety was one of the principal survival tools.
As I told one of my clients a few days ago – we would have kicked ass on the Savannah!
You’re not broken. You’re not damaged. You’re not a failure. And there is hope. XO
Robyn Spurr is a Certified Health Coach, Weight Loss Coach, Personal Trainer and founder of Chickadee Weight Loss. She helps women reach their healthy, natural weight and stay there without all the diet craziness.
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